The Mixtape of Haruhi Suzumiya
by A Rock Obama
Summary: Haruhi is about to drop the hottest mixtape the universe has ever seen. Could this spell trouble for Kyon and the SOS brigade? Please read in Crispin Freeman's voice.


The Mixtape of Haruhi Suzumiya

It was a Monday afternoon, some time in Fall. I had just finished up with my classes, so naturally I went over to the club room, something I had grown accustomed to over the year. I knocked on the club room door and heard a faint, "come in". No doubt Asahina-san was in there, making her usual tea. I was greeted to the sight of the lovely maid as I walked in the door. Yuki was also there, quietly reading a book in the corner.

I sat down and began to enjoy my tea. It truly is a magical experience. Asahina-san's tea is the kind of stuff that could drive men to war. I began to think of the Trojan war from Greek myth and I realized I'd easily make the same mistake as Paris, had Helen been Mikuru.

Then Koizumi came in, wearing his annoyingly fake smile as always.

"Hello everyone, I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

Nothing but my daydreaming.

Koizumi took out chess and offered to play a game with me. Why do you always want to play board games, your awful at them? Koizumi simply shrugged and I agreed to play him. However we hardly finished setting up before you-know-who barged through the door like a battering ram.

"Hey everyone! I have exciting news!" She screamed.

"How wonderful. I can not wait to hear it." Koizumi smiled. If you can't wait to hear it why don't you just shut up for once?

"I have decided that tomorrow after school I am going to drop the hottest mixtape the universe has ever seen!"

"That is wonderful news Suzimiya-san." Damnit Koizumi, why do you always have to be a kiss-ass?

Asahina simply made a small smile, and Yuki took her eyes off the book for a second. Wait, she never does that. Is something wrong? I'm probably just over reacting, but with the way my life has been In high school, I don't really know anymore.

"That is all for today, I need to go home right away and begin working on it!"

You haven't even started it? You can't just announce something like that the day before if you haven't started it!

"Don't worry Kyon it will definitely be done tomorrow!" And with that Haruhi left the club room. As soon as I was confident that she was out of earshot, I turned to Yuki.

"Hey, you looked a little weird when Haruhi made her announcement, is something wrong?"

"Haruhi Suzumiya declared that her mixtape will be the hottest the universe has ever seen. If my calculations are correct than Haruhi Suzumiya's mixtape will be 798,784,932,456,458 degree Celsius, approximately 266,261 times hotter than the hottest star in the Milky Way Galaxy," she said blankly.

Koizumi's fake smile started to fade, "So what you're saying is, if Suzumiya-san were to drop her mixtape, than it would be highly likely that the world would completely be destroyed by its immense heat. In fact, it may even be possible that her mixtape could trigger the heat death of the universe."

"Correct."

Koizumi's fake smile returned to him, "this is quite a conundrum it seems."

That might be an understatement. The Heat death of the Universe is not something I would simply call a conundrum.

Asahina-san simply began to whimper at the realization that we could all very well die tomorrow.

"Well, how the hell are we supposed to stop this?" I asked.

"The heat of Haruhi Suzumiya's mixtape can only be countered by something cold enough to cancel out the immense heat from her mixtape."

Koizumi looked at me and smiled. "In other words, after Haruhi drops her mixtape, you need to drop yours."

Your kidding right? That has to be a joke, and a terrible one at that. My mixtape isn't that cold, right?

Koizumi smiled again, damn him, "I'm afraid I wouldn't joke about something as serious as this. It is clearly Suzumiya-san's wish to be better than you, so if you were to make a mixtape it's heat would be the exact inverse of hers, no matter the actual quality of your mixtape."

So in order to save the world, I have to go home and make my own mixtape. This sounds like the plot to a poorly written fan fiction.

"They say reality is stranger than fiction."

I spent the rest of the day and much of the night working on my mixtape. Damn, I hardly had time to sleep. I guess ill just sleep in class, it's not like I learn anything anyway.

"Kyon you idiot, wake up! You should get sleep at home so you don't have to do it in class!"

I wouldn't have to if you weren't about to destroy the universe with your mixtape! Of course I didn't say this out loud, I instead sighed and placed the palm of my hand directly on my face.

After school Haruhi entered the SOS brigade club room, mixtape in hand. Mine was also ready. I had only a few seconds after she dropped her mixtape to drop mine.

For perhaps a fraction of a second the room became an oven. Fortunately I was able to drop my mixtape before the room melted. I sighed in relief, the universe was saved.

"Kyon you idiot! I never told you that you could drop your mixtape too! It's not even hot at all. I'm going to give you a double penalty for this!"

Normally the penalty would annoy me, but since I am not a puddle right now, I think I'lll let it slide.


End file.
